Book Review: An Utterly Impartial History of Britain

By John O´Farrell

In the new BBC2 documentary “Are our kids tough enough?” a team of crack Chinese teachers are parachuted in to a British school to whip a gaggle of slothful youths into shape. They quickly discover that discipline isn´t quite up to their exacting standards, one young female even fled the classroom with tears streaming down her face when she learned that Zayn Malik had quit One Direction. “I found it difficult to understand such emotional behavior over a pop band”, was the understated yet hilarious response from teacher Yang Jun. Subsequently, when John O´Farrell points to the necessity of his book by lamenting the quality of the history education he received in school, I find it very easy to believe him.

His Utterly impartial history of Britain is just that, except for the occasional good humored joke about how awful Margaret Thatcher was and how she, in his mind, utterly ruined the largest island in Europe. O´Farrell´s trick to keep the readers engaged and on the edges of their seats throughout his 500 plus page brick is to not get awfully bogged down with details and tell the history of Britain with a hefty side order of humor. Since I would never expose my readers to any levity, his casual approach to two thousand years of brutish and bloody history was quite a shock, but I nevertheless persevered. I must admit that after a while his irreverent style started to grow on me ever so slightly.

Starting with Julius Caesar´s invasion of Britannia in 55 BC and ending with World War II and Clement Attlee´s Labor government, the reader is treated to a witty narrative that progresses briskly through the most momentous events in British history. If you feel that you could do with a bit of history in your life but don´t fancy yourself to be an expert, this book is a perfect start. If you already know that General Gordon made his stand where the Blue Nile met the White Nile and have read Alan Moorhead’s twin masterpieces most of what you read won´t be a surprise, but O’Farrell’s reasonably sharp wit will still bring out a big smile and quite a few laughs.  

This, I suspect, is crucial if you want someone to bear with you over two millennia of history in today´s world of ever shortening attention spans. When it comes to telling the story of how a nation came to be, the saga of great Britain is one of the more difficult and complex ones. To be honest, I´m not even sure if you can call Great Britain a country or if Scotland´s status is the same as South Carolina is in the United States. But then again I´m not British so I don´t understand cricket or why they stubbornly drive on the wrong side of the road either.    

Before the romans came along the Britons were a loosely organized patchwork of marauding tribes who painted their faces with blue woad. If you wonder what they would have looked like pre-civilization you have merely to travel to one of Greece’s islands and wait around the dingiest part of town until you spot a gang of British teens on a booze cruise. The woad and lice infested bear pelts may have gone out of style, otherwise the Britons you encounter will behave just like their ancestors.

After the romans upped and left, the British Isles headed off into the dark ages where they witnessed many Viking invasions and much drama. During the hundred year´s war they repeatedly humbled the French in famous battles such as Crécy Agincourt before Joan of Arc stepped in to save their beleaguered adversaries. By the time Queen Elizabeth saw of the Spanish armada, Britain was still seated at the kid´s table while Spain and Portugal ruled the world, but with king Philip´s ships rotting at the bottom of the Atlantic, Britain was soon on the rise. Advances in science and technology led to Britain rising above the pack and becoming top dog in the world following the industrial revolution. If someone had told Julius Caesar that the savages at the end of the earth would one day rule an empire over which the sun would never set, he would most likely not have laughed at you. Provided he spoke English. If you told the same story to a band of booze-cruisers swashbuckling around Kos, they would probably find it equally hard to believe. If BBC2 decides to make another season of the series, the Chinese super teachers will no doubt have their work cut out for them once the vacationing Britons return home.

O’Farrell sums it all up by noting the irony that by the time the empire had been lost, ordinary British people had just gained their individual freedoms. No doubt a writer who votes Tory would have ended the book with Margaret Thatcher´s trickle down economy instead of Clement Attlee´s social reforms, but there you are. Two thousand years of drama played out in one Great but also slightly damp and misty Britain.